when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
