I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
