Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
