The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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