tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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