Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
