Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Well I just put wine in my tea
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
