he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
