I've blown a few things in my day
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
