Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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