you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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