meet me or not, i'm out of control
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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