I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?