Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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