I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
