Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
