Where did you get a picture of my penis
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
