apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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