so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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