How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Hippo gnu deer
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
