Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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