apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
