Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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