i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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