life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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