Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
