He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
