I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
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Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
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I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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