Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You made out with two different species that night
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
