I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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