I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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