24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
