walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
