Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
