Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
