Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
