He disabled his match.com account in front of me
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
