insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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