Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
