If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
