Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
