I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
