just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
