my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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