I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
