So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Don't say a word.
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
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Ketchup is God's man juice
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
No subtext here. People are naked.
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I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.