How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
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I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
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i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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