I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
