shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
