i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
