What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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