did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
