Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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