he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
