Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
