I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
