She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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